You didn’t think only normal, sweaty palmed, gamers played Super Street Fighter 4 did you? Of course not. I have it on good authority that plenty of celebrities enjoy a little pixel combat from time to time. I bet that you, like me, wonder all the time what characters some of those people you see on the news would play. Well, wonder no more! I took the liberty of sending some monitor cyborgs interviewers to check out a couple of key targets.
"Bah! Such Weakness"
When not writing surprise endings, or when he should be writing endings for his movies, M. Night Shyamalan prefers to play Bison.
Interviewer: “So why Bison?”
M.N.S: “I think you have to appreciate a guy who keeps coming back and starting up new tournaments even though he keeps getting beat up or torn to pieces.”
I: “So you admire his tenacity?”
M.N.S: “Yeah absolutely! It’s like, I lost…but i’m back now! I bet you didn’t see it coming!”
I: “I see. So while I have you, what was the deal with the Last Airbender?”
M.N.S: “Dude, that’s totally my fault. I was trying to figure out how to land the Ultra 2 on jump happy opponents and the producers were all like, ‘There’s a movie to finish!’ whatever.”
"Ya-Hoo!"
When not battling global warming Al Gore prefers to lay down the beatings with Dan Hibiki.
I: “I wouldn’t have pegged you for a Dan guy.”
A.G: “Well you have to understand, Dan knows what he’s about and his loyalty to his family is outstanding.”
I: “You don’t think he’s the butt of a joke?”
A.G: “My heavens no! He’s just trying to follow in the footsteps of his father. Why my father was a U.S. Representative and a Senator too, you know? I look up to him and only hope to…”
I: “Yes, uh, thank you I have another interview I have to do…”
A.G: “Don’t cut me off son. You know I invented the internet, I can have your job.”
"RAOOOR!"
Steve Buscemi, when not creeping us out or being funny on film, prefers to play as Blanka.
I: “I have to say, I loved you in Con Air!”
S.B: “Yeah, I get that a lot.”
I: “Your character was so creepy! Is that why you like Blanka?”
S.B: “Lets just say I find Blanka’s story touching. Plus, when he goes for the throw and then starts biting at his opponent, with all that ‘blood’ and the exquisite rending of the flesh, it just makes me all goose-pimply. I don’t think you could ask for a better experience, you know?”
I: “Uhm. No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
S.B: “That’s ok, but listen, I’m really hungry all of a sudden, do you want to maybe grab a bite?”
"Shoryuken! Shoryuken! Shoryuken!"
When not enjoying his off-time after his presidency former President Bush prefers to lay down the law with Ken.
I: “I think I might be surprised that you play SSF4 at all!”
G.B: “I can certainly see why you might be, a lot of people misunderestimate me when it comes right down to technology and video games.”
I: “Right. So…Ken?”
G.B: “Ken is certainly one of the good ol’ boys. To be honest, one of my advisors found me this excellent guide. I’m afraid it’s classified and top secret but believe me, I can’t be beat.”
I: “Does it involve a shoryuken?”
G.B: “I’m not at liberty to say, but as I like to say, if I shoryuken you once shame on you and if, uh, if I shoryuken you twice, well..shame on me.”
"That felt good didn't it?"
Bai Ling, international super star and nerd favorite, enjoys playing as Juri for fun and profit.
I: “I never really thought about it before, but you kind of remind of Juri in some ways.”
B.L: “Actually, it’s a little known fact that i’m the inspiration for this character. I love her outfit!”
I: “It’s a little improbable, actually, I’ve always thought Juri looks kind of slutty in a way, and who actually bends that way anyway? I mean, come on…hey, why is your eye glowing like tha…”
Editor’s Note: We did not receive the rest of this monitor cyborg’s Interviewer’s transcript.
"I love my daughters, they are so pretty."
Angelina Jolie, when not in the studio, prefers a nice relaxing game of SSF4 as Hakan.
I: “Wow. I never thought you would have picked Hakan. I mean, he’s ugly, and well, you’re not.”
A.J: “I think you’re not giving him enough credit. In his country of origin he is a very striking man.”
I: “I guess I never thought of it that way.”
A.J: “Hakan loves his family, I think I envy him. I need a few more children before I catch up to him, he is truly blessed.”
I: “Is that the only reason you play as Hakan then?”
A.J: -laughing- “Hardly, I think his fighting style is very interesting. I definitely enjoy covering myself in oil from time to time. Just the other day I was sunbathing and decided it would be a good time to bring out the baby oil…why are you looking at me like that?”
Think of the children.
*This is clearly a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual SSF4 preferences by said celebrities is purely coincidental and not my problem.
The author Vassi, is still waiting for a good sci-fi game that isn't Star Wars.
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